Well, this, and: Anne Hathaway’s stunning red dress; James Franco in a bright pink dress and fake mole and his “Congratulations, nerds!” comment*; Colin Firth winning Best Actor and wanting to dance a jig during his acceptance speech; Christian Bale winning Best Supporting Actor and crying during his acceptance speech; The King’s Speech winning Best Picture; Jeff Bridges’ introductions for all of the Best Actress nominees that nearly made every single one of them cry.

*Oh, and just in case we’re not all on the same page here, it was a JOKE. I mean, come on. Franco got his start on Freaks and Geeks. He’s one of the biggest nerds of them all.

What about you? What did you love (or love to hate) about this year’s show? Cinematic nerds want to know! Well, this one does anyway.

If you’re a James Franco fan? You have to see this movie.

If for some reason (perhaps having to do with Spiderman) you’re lukewarm about James Franco, I would bet good money* this movie will change your mind.

If you’re scared you might not have a strong enough stomach to watch this movie, I would highly encourage you to go anyway.

Jen and I were both nervous about how we would react to seeing some of the more harrowing scenes, and somewhat surprisingly (though I’m not sure why) I realized pretty quickly that years of watching shows like ER and House and Grey’s Anatomy, on top of years of watching vampire and zombie-related movies, have made me pretty OK with blood. (There might have even been a point when I chuckled to myself, imaging Edward Cullen showing up and being all, “Oh hey. I was just hanging out, and I smelled some blood, and oh, let me help you move this boulder.” I’m sure that was Boyle’s alternate ending.)

There also wasn’t a single scene that (to me) felt gratuitously gory. I don’t dig gore for the sake of gore. This wasn’t anything like that, and I honestly didn’t feel like I had to close my eyes or look away once.

Trust me; if you can watch Twilight, you can watch this movie. And I promise you won’t be sorry you did.

The end of the trailer claims “There is no force on earth more powerful than the will to live.”

There are also few things more inspiring.

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*Monopoly money. You’ve got to know when to hold ‘em.

Anyone who knows me, and/or who follows me on Twitter knows that I love movies, and quoting movies. I could quote movies until…well, until you told me to stop because I was being annoying. Endless amounts of time, basically.

I can’t remember the last time I used the word “meme” around here, but when it comes to movie quotes, I’m an equal opportunity memer. (Please note that since I first read the word “meme” and forever thereafter, I have pronounced it “maim,” which is why my last sentence is simultaneously making me laugh, and making me think I’ve been watching too much Dexter lately.)

The game goes a little something like this:

• I pick 10 (Um, or how about 18?) of my favorite movies, and list a favorite quote from each one here. I’m hereby leaving off some of my more highly-quotable favorites (Anchorman, Zoolander, and Tommy Boy, I’m looking at you), just to make the game a bit more challenging.
  
• You guys guess which quotes go with which movies, sans help from Google. (Sans=without=no cheating, or else: rabies!)
  
• I’ll re-post the list each with updates each time someone guesses a movie correctly, giving proper credit to the Awesome Guesser.
• Only one movie guess per commenter, pretty please, so everyone has a chance to guess. If you come back in a day or so and see movies you know still haven’t been guessed, feel free to go nuts.
  

Ready? Let’s do this.

1. “Well, I’m one of those fortunate people who like my job, sir. Got my first chemistry set when I was seven, blew my eyebrows off, we never saw the cat again…been into it ever since.”

And one more from the same movie because it’s one of my favorite parts of the movie:

“‘I’d take pleasure in guttin’ you, boy. I’d take pleasure in guttin’ you…boy.’ What is wrong with these people, huh? Mason? Don’t you think there’s a lot of, uh…a lot of anger flowing around this island? Kind of a pubescent volatility? Don’t you think? A lotta angst, a lot of ‘I’m sixteen, I’m angry at my father’ syndrome? I mean grow up! We’re stuck on an island with a bunch of violence-for-pleasure-seeking psycophatic marines, SHAME-ON-THEM!” Trina confessed to recently watching this, and knew it was The Rock. Nicolas Cage fans, UNITE.

2. “Make sure to secure the door when I am gone. There are many dangerous people who wanna take things from Americans, and also kidnap them. Good night!”

And a bonus second quote: “This is Sammy Davis Jr. Jr. She is Grandfather’s seeing eye bitch. Father purchased her for him not because he believes Grandfather is blind, but because a seeing eye bitch is also a good thing for people who pine for the opposite of loneliness. In truth, Father did not purchase her at all, but merely retrieved her from the home for forgetful dogs. Because of this, she is not a real seeing eye bitch, and is also mentally deranged.” BreAnn gets bonus points for (knowing this was Everything Is Illuminated, yes, and!) having read the book, which I have yet to do.

3. “Do you know what happens at proms?”
“ Yes. We’ll dance, we’ll kiss, we’ll come home. It’s not quite the crisis situation you imagine.”
“Kissing? That’s what you think happens? I’ve got news for you. Kissing isn’t what keeps me up to my elbows in placenta all day long.” Kristabella was the first to comment, and the first to know this is 10 Things I Hate About You, aka: The Moment I Knew I Loved Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

4. “Listen, okay? You guys’ll never believe me. There was two cop cars, okay? And they were chasing this four-wheel deal, this real neat ORV, and there were bullets flying all over the place. It was the most amazing thing I ever saw!” Sizzle loves The Goonies as much as I do, which is just one of the many reasons I love her.

5. “You know, I thought I recognized you. You tried out for the football team last year, right?”
“Oh, no, no, that… No. That, that wasn’t like a real try-out. I was researching a book I was writing.”
“Yeah? What’s it about? Sucking at sports?”
“No, it’s about the link between brain damage and football. No, it…it’s a good book. Your friends will love it. You know, it’s got mazes in it and, you know, little coloring areas, sections, pop-up pictures. It’s…a lot of fun.” Angella may not be a huge (Nicolas Cage, or) Shia LeBeouf fan, but she loves Transformers as much as I do. Or at least as much as her kids do. Which is, as it turns out, quite a lot.

6. “Does he know how good you are?”
“Bob?”
“No, Hitler.”
(And a bonus quote, because I think this one might be the hardest: “Evelyn. Your kid ate the line-up.”) Erin knows there’s no crying in baseball. Also, that this is from A League of Their Own.

7. “There’s that word again; ‘heavy.’ Why are things so heavy in the future? Is there a problem with the earth’s gravitational pull? If I ever get a hoverboard (Come on, Science!), I bet Kate will have one first. And then we’ll go…Back to the Future!

8. “Don’t worry. Don’t worry about Alice, she…? You think she’s gone, she comes back. Like herpes.”

And bonus quotes: “Go talk to your mother.”
“You talk to her, alright? She’s a downer.”
“She’s a widow.”
“She was a downer first.”

“Hey, hey, hey! You guys! Could one of you please tell me one nice thing I can say about your dead father?”
“ He often called me Andrea for no reason.”
“ I was Barry.” Exhibit, Why Ali Is One Of My Movie Quote Soulmates: She knew these lines were from Eulogy. And loves me despite knowing I’ll never stop loving Shia LaBeouf (who is not in Eulogy, if you were wondering). “That’s a compound compliment.”

9. “Hey, I like that hat, man. They sell men’s clothes where you got that?” Sarah thinks Kevin Bacon looks good in Mom Jeans and skinny ties. I heartily concur. (Footloose!)

10. “I owe you an apology.”
“Just one?”
“For ruining the funeral.”
“Yeah, if it hadn’t been for you, that would’ve been one great day.” Bethany doesn’t have a blog, but she has a permanent spot in my good graces after knowing this is Catch and Release. (Unexpectedly great movie, if you haven’t seen it.)

11. “Just wishing I could do the job for you, sir. I’d give her a HA! And a HI-YA! And then a OUU-WA! And I’d kick her, sir.” Dayna and Doniree guessed my all-time favorite animated movie, which is: Anastasia! I dare you to watch it and not have a crush on Dimitri.

12. “Why Ike, whatever do you mean? Maybe poker’s just not your game. I know! Let’s have a spelling contest!” A tip o’ the hat to Erin for knowing this was me paying homage to the ever-pallid and yet somehow still sweatily attractive Doc Holiday in Tombstone.

13. “Yeah, well, uh, just keep your Power Gloves off her, pal, huh?” Jill not only remembered this is from The Wizard, she also remembered the entire plot of the movie, including references to Rilo Kiley and Christian Slater. I’m impressed.

14. “It’s just like Santa’s workshop! Except it smells like mushrooms…and everyone looks like they want to hurt me.” Sarah knew this was Elf. She also knows the four main food groups: candy, candy canes, candy corn, and syrup.

15. “Mr. Homolka?”
“Yes?”
“Stop eating my sesame cake.”

And bonus quotes: “Are you serving that ape a martini?”

“Are you sure there aren’t some kind of gorillas that kill?”
“Please, Dr. Ross. What’s your area of expertise? Folk-singing?”
“Communications technology.”
“So you’re a geek with a cellular phone.” Ali hereby wins the gold star for knowing two of the apparently most obscure of my favorite movies. These are from Congo, and I can’t even tell you how much I love the scene wherein the first quote is featured. You guys need to watch this movie. For reals.

16. “I have a question for you real quick. What did you think of my demo? Did you get it?”
“Right, I was gonna listen to that, but then, um, I just carried on living my life.” Lori, who just happens to be superfantastic, excitedly guessed this was from Forgetting Sarah Marshall. “I’m going to give you a Hawaiian name…Peepyopee!”

17. “What you did was very spiteful, but it was also very brave and very honest and I respect you for doing that. But the content of what you said has made me hate you. So there’s a layer of respect, admittedly, for your truthfulness, but it’s peppered with hate. Hateful respect.” My partner in fake mustache crime, Hillary, knew this hilarious gem was courtesy of Get Him to the Greek. Oh, Aldous Snow. I just can’t quit you.

*18. So this post’s title is the first quote, and the second bonus quote: “In those moments where you’re not quite sure if the undead are really dead, don’t get all stingy with your bullets. I mean, one more clean shot to the head, and this lady could have avoided becoming a human Happy Meal. Woulda… coulda… shoulda.” Below The Eight knows that rule #36 of Zombieland is…quoting Zombieland.

Originally aired: October 1993.
Watched by Kerri Anne: When I was 11, and then again October 25, 2010.
Courtesy of: YouTube, in seven (or eight) parts. (What? I was determined.)
Because: I distinctly remembered watching this movie as a kid, but until Monday night I couldn’t remember what the movie was actually called, and couldn’t remember a single character’s name, or much beyond the fact that it featured a group of friends, a skeleton costume, and Mexico. So naturally, I Googled something like, “Animated movie with skeleton costume and Mexico.”

(Google’s amazing ability to actually know what my nonsensical memories are trying to tell me is probably the number one reason I will always love the Internet.)

Enter me watching The Halloween Tree for the first time in over SEVENTEEN years.

Based on: A 1972 fantasy novel written by Ray Bradbury. TRIVIA ALERT! Bradbury actually won an Emmy for the screenplay adaptation of his original story. Um, yeah. I nearly fell out of my Halloween tree when I read that.

Starring: Ray Bradbury narrates, a crew of young actors (including Andrew Keegan) voice the animated young’uns, and Leonard Nimoy voices Mr. Moundshroud, who does business as the “children’s guide,” which really means “the undeniably creepy, kindly sinister skeleton-looking guy who routinely makes inappropriate comments (when he’s not speaking in riddles).”

Protagonist’s name and story: This story is a bit strange in that I think spunky, red-haired, freckle-faced Pip (described as “the greatest boy who ever lived”) is supposed to be the protagonist, but really his four friends go through more of a transformation within the movie. Pip is on his way to being dead when the movie starts, and his four friends (Jenny, Wally, Tom, and Ralph) have to suffer Moundshroud’s condescending Halloween history lessons while traveling to far-away places and long-ago times (Think: Egypt, Greece, Somewhere In The Woods With Witches, the Notre Dame Cathedral, and Mexico) to rescue Pip’s soul, before Moundshroud can collect Pip and his spirit pumpkin for his Halloween Tree, which is a tree of hanging pumpkins filled with the souls of the dead. (Is this sounding enough like a Halloween acid trip yet? Because it gets better.) The reason Pip is a ghost, time-traveling with his (freckled) spirit pumpkin in tow to avoid (death, and) Moundshroud? Appendicitis. Um. Yeah.

What the what? moments: 1) The (time-traveling) kite-building scene, involving old circus posters and scary animals, and you guys, I can’t even tell you how weird it is.

2) The part of the Halloween history lesson where Moundshroud expounds upon witches, and basically says there weren’t ever any real witches, they were JK, LOL about all that magic stuff, and instead were merely groups of women who wanted to be left alone to be “wise” and play with cauldrons.

3) At the very end of the movie, Jenny, Ralph, Wally, and Tom each offer a year at the end of their lives to Moundshroud as payment for Pip’s soul. (RIGHT? I TOLD YOU THIS MOVIE IS CREEPY.)

Questions left unanswered: Oh, so many. But mostly, what was Bradbury drinking when he wrote this screenplay?

Memorable quotes: “It’s gargoyle language. He can only speak when the rain comes out of his mouth, or the wind blows over his teeth.”

“Ah yes, Joe Pipkin. Some say that on the day he was born, all the soda pop bottles in the world fizzed over. Pipkin who could yell louder, sing better, and eat more popcorn. Pip, the greatest boy who ever lived.”

“Tell me, why do you wear bones, Skeleton?” “Because, maybe if we face death eyeball-to-eyeball, it loses it’s power over us? It can’t scare us!”

The verdict: Visually stunning for sure, and a very interesting (albeit very crazy) story, though definitely a bit heavy-handed, thematically speaking, for even the most fearless kids.

Though maybe kids don’t care about pumpkin trees filled with lost souls? Because I’m pretty sure I found the story even creepier as an adult than I did as a kid.

Also: I’m finding myself interested in reading the original story. Moundshroud, I just can’t quit you.

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So you may be wondering (or perhaps you’re not wondering at all, but I’m going to tell you anyway) what makes the cut as my all-time favorite Halloween movie? That would be Hocus Pocus.

No, really. If you haven’t seen it, NO JUDGING. It’s AWESOME. Totally cheesy, and campy, and full of (big hair, and) hilariously quotable lines and general Halloween AWESOMENESS. (Randomly enough, Hocus Pocus was actually released the same year as The Halloween Tree. 1993 was apparently quite a memorable year for Halloween movies.)

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Table-turning time!

Did anyone else watch The Halloween Tree (ever, or) as a kid?

Any personal favorite Halloween movies, or do you shun the holiday, and the holiday-themed movies, altogether?

Starring: A slew of great Spanish actors you’ve probably never heard of, most notably Ivana Baquero and Maribel Verdú.
Protagonist’s name and non-spoilery story: Ofelia is the first and arguably main protagonist, and is a precocious young girl who loves fairy tales and suddenly finds herself in one. This fairy tale, however, is definitely more like a nightmare from beginning to end.
Sci-Fi additions: A labyrinth that we never really see but know is there; magical chalk; gluttonous frogs; woodland fairies masquerading as praying mantises.
Nightmare inducing scenes: Too many to list, but most notably the one featuring this gruesome fellow. (DO NOT CLICK THAT LINK IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO SEE A STUPIDLY SCARY MONSTER WITH MAN BOOBS AND EYES IN HIS HANDS. Believe me, I do not blame you if you don’t. I certainly could have lived my entire life without seeing that guy.)
Apropos of mandrake roots: The screaming baby mandrake root del Toro uses in the movie reminded me heavily of the way J.K. Rowling used it in the first Harry Potter (published in 1999) and subsequent stories, though thanks to Wikipedia I now know the mandrake scream is fairly common folklore.

Extended review for anyone who cares: I’m definitely not saying I hated it, but I pushed “play” expecting it to be a movie in the same cinematic vein as The Neverending Story and/or Labyrinth,  and it was so different I was left staring agape at my screen, not sure if I should keep watching or abandon cinematic ship.

While I thought certain parts of the story were harrowingly beautiful, Pan’s Labyrinth is incredibly dark from start to finish, and possesses absolutely no comedic relief. I didn’t laugh once. I barely smiled once. In the Neverending Story you have (Falkor! and) the story-within-a-story to interrupt your melancholy when plot lines get too heavy (and scary wolves too stuffed-animal-looking). And in Labyrinth you have a) David Bowie and b) those crazy Jim Henson muppet-esque creatures who sing and joke and are generally hilarious.

Furthermore, the title in and of itself is misleading. The main story has NOTHING to do with a labyrinth. Or Pan, really. I mean, OK, fine, maybe the story has minuscule amounts to do with a labyrinth, but BARELY. Ofelia only goes into the labyrinth three times, and she’s not even in there for more than five minutes at a time. We don’t see any of the whimsy or the crazy characters (beyond Pan himself) no doubt existing in the labyrinth the way we do in the Bowie-clad version, and while there are certainly other interesting stories within the film, I didn’t feel the overall story (centering on a fascist Spanish regime led by a Bastard Captain who revels in his own bastardness) was all that imaginative. I’ve definitely seen it done better in various other movies, and (to me) the only thing that made this story any different than its fascist peers was that it was gorier. I’m no cinematic wimp, but honestly, I had to look away at multiple points because I don’t really want to see a face realistically smashed in, or a leg realistically cut off, or a woman for which I had no pity in the first place bleed to death.

Which brings me to a heavily distracting plot point. I found Ofelia’s mother to be completely deplorable in that she puts her only daughter in harm’s way when she marries an obviously evil man, and for what? Because she’s lonely. REALLY? Feeling thankful someone dies during a particularly horrifying childbirth because you don’t have to look at her weak face anymore is probably not the reaction del Toro was hoping to evoke.

Questions left unanswered:
1. A baby-eating monster with EYES IN HIS HANDS. Why did you have to do that to me del Toro, WHY?
2. How, exactly, is a young girl to know how much time she has left to complete a magical task when she leaves her magic hourglass in her bedroom while she walks through a magical door?
3. Was I supposed to be able to tell from this movie poster that Pan’s Labyrinth is not fanciful or cheerful in any way? Because if so, I verily failed that test.

Memorable Quotes: Does me yelling at Ofelia’s mother as if she (is a real person, and) can hear me calling her completely selfish count as a memorable quote? No?

OK, fine: “You could have obeyed me!” “But Captain, to obey, just like that, for obedience’s sake…without questioning…That’s something only people like you can do.”

The Verdict: Memorably creepy, but definitely not even close to my favorite fantasy movie, and nothing I will be watching again. Also, DO NOT watch this movie with your kids. Unless your kids are thirty. And even then, be prepared for them needing a glass of warm milk and a Will Ferrell movie to watch directly following this one.

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I’m excited to have more serious (and very non-serious) movies reviews coming soon to a site near you. Until then, have you heard of a movie starring Charlie Sheen as a reincarnated flying-motorcycle-riding avenger? No? You might be missing the best worst movie ever.

What? Like that’s not totally normal?

You should come on over and read Mr. Cage’s heartfelt letter to Angella, and then weigh in on how great (or not to so great) you think he (or his hair) is.

Do it, do it.

Updated to add: I’m not going to lie; this might have just made my day.

*Post title from one of the best Nicolas Cage movies of all time. I’ll give you three guesses.

He’s brilliant in Brick, and in The Lookout, and I can’t wait to see Inception.

But this? This is quite possibly the most random and very best thing he’s ever done.

I absolutely love it.

Yes, that is also totally Channing Tatum. I’m telling you: serious amounts of awesome.

Why, you ask?

Well, first! because I got to spend half a day with the stylishly savvy and incredibly down-to-earth Kali, soaking up the sun, chatting about everything and nothing, stuffing our faces with Italian food, making fun of American Apparel clothing, and finally, watching The A-Team.

Dear American Apparel, This is u-g-l-y, it ain’t got no alibi:

Dear American Apparel, 1987′s Debbie Gibson called. She wants her sweater back:

My review of The A-Team in a 140 characters or less, and without spoiling anything:

No, but really. It was awesome. And you should go see it. Like, tonight. The characters were super engaging, and the comedic timing was near perfect. Sure, there were ridiculous action sequences that could never actually happen, but hi, welcome to all the best action movies.

Cool guys don’t look at explosions.

It was quite amusing to discover Kali and I were watching The A-Team at the exact same time Angella and her husband were, some 10+ hours away. We were equally smitten with the film, and I was definitely not surprised. Angella is awesome for many reasons, not the least of which being her appreciation for (Bradley Cooper, and) great action movies.

On Sunday I woke up early with absolutely zero to do beyond meet Hans for some coffee consumption and studying. While I would wait until later to drink coffee (I dropped in at Barista to see my friend Meggan’s husband, Daniel, and drink their delicious brew), Hans and I had an awesome morning people-watching and conversing at Sip & Kranz, which for some unknown reason I have called Sip N’ Kranz since I first visited the place over a year ago, as if (I can’t read signs, or) it’s a coffee shop doubling as a boy band from the early ’90s.

We sat outside for hours and watched sleepy, happy Portlanders amble by with myriad sized dogs in tow, and listened to kids splashing in the community wading pool at the center of the small park laden with trees and shaded benches. That is, until a man came to sing and play his portable keyboard, just for us.

I also shared the magic of the (very free) MacGruber app for the iPhone with Hans, complete with MacGruber mullet generator.

Reason #437 why I love Hans: She’s a great sport. Especially when it comes to computer-generated mullets.

After leaving Sip AND Kranz, we meandered over to Bridgeport in the Pearl for some patio brews, wherein “brews” mostly means “brew, singular,” as in “I had a Haymaker Pale Ale while Hans studiously studied.”

After monopolizing Hans’ Sunday morning, I hiked around Northwest for a few, eventually stopping in at REI to get into trouble spend some birthday money (See also: my grandma is cooler than your grandma), eventually deciding on a pair of Chacos (a preemptive expense for some river rafting I’m so psyched to be looking forward to as part of Rhi‘s bachelorette weekend in August), and a pair of green Tevas. I then proceeded to get ridiculously sweaty on my trek home. This just in! Leisurely walking: I apparently cannot do it! At least, not when I’m walking solo.

A super “artistic” shot of my new Tevas from underneath the table at 23 & Hoyt.

After changing so as not to stank in public, I went to meet two of my favorite people (Ms. Long Story Longer and the aforementioned Rhi!) for drinks at 23 & Hoyt, and convinced Hans to come and delay her studying a bit longer. A good scholarly influence I am apparently not.

From left to right: Long Story Longer, and Rhi. They make me laugh. A lot.

While chatting with Kali on Saturday, and with the rest of the girls on Sunday, I realized, for the hundredth time probably: I really do have the most amazing of all friends. They are witty and hilarious, kind and generous, and some of the most supportive people I have ever known. I am beyond blessed to have each of every one of them* in my life.

In short: If the rest of the summer is anything like this particular weekend, I will officially be a happy camper.**

So, tell me, what did you do this weekend?

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*Each and every one of YOU if you are a friend of mine reading this right now. (Also, hello! Happy! Monday.)

**No actual camping is planned for this summer, as I’m pretty sure a tent, a sleeping bag, and a desire to camp are prerequisites for camping.

My personal favorites:

“Interest in your bold rejection of social norms as evidenced by your dyed hair.”

“Friendly concern that a string of heightened and seemingly unrelated plots may now arise.” “Dude.”

“Also, I’ve decided to fight with the Native American Metaphor against the American Military Metaphor.”

“It’s not going to be entirely a dramatic film. Because we laugh there.”

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Oh, and I have a little business card round-up at Style Lush today. Hop on over if you need some!

We’ve all heard of The List, right? (Right!)

For those new to the game, The List is mostly comprised of celebrities and other famous faces you are allowed to covet outside of your Committed Relationship because (it’s all in good fun, and anyway) these people are the cheese to your macaroni, the peanut-butter to your jelly, or at least they might be, according to the plethora of information you’ve been able glean about them from this month’s People Magazine. Mostly though, you just think they’re crazy/sexy/cool.*

What I like even better than The List is what happens when you add the word “fictional” to it, the game thus now requesting you choose your top 5 (or 15) characters from various shows and movies that are the proverbial peas to your carrots.

Here’s my version of such list. And of course it’s longer than 5. I never was very good at following internet rules.

The list is in some semblance of an order, or maybe more of a scale of sorts, wherein Peter Petrelli (played by Milo Ventimiglia) = I would marry him (fictionally, or in real life), even if I didn’t know him well enough to know (anything about him, like maybe) how to pronounce his last name, or that he puts cilantro on everything and thinks Zima is the king of beers.**

Peter Petrelli (Heroes)

I honestly don’t even know where to start with Peter Petrelli without sounding like a mildly obsessed fictional stalker. (Which, do you see this post I’m writing right now?)

If you haven’t seen Heroes*** my allegiance to Peter Petrelli might be 100% lost on you, but if you’ve seen even a single episode with Peter in it then I have to imagine you knew what I was talking about before I even started this sentence.

Beyond being the single most attractive human being on the planet (to me, anyway), Peter is the epitome of a selfless hero. Perpetually battling his own inner darkness, he’s brooding and moody without being insufferable, and works as a paramedic in New York City to help people using his super-powers. He also has a voice I love to listen to and a charming lop-sided smile. (Mildly obsessed fictional stalker territory? Duly noted.)

Just one more picture then, before we move along:

Ren McCormack (Footloose)

Anyone who knows me (and my love of Kevin Bacon) probably saw Ren coming from a mile away. He snags the number two spot on my list for being a part of one of the best scenes in cinematic history, amen. He’s also the only man I’ve ever seen look even remotely cool while repeatedly rocking a pair of Mom Jeans.

Fox Mulder (The X-Files)

Special Agent Fox Mulder was the reason I gave myself myriad nightmares in junior high and high school after watching the The X-Files every Friday night at 9pm with my dad. Mulder’s obsession with the truth (it’s out there) and his ability to smile with his eyes (Tyra would be so proud) while rocking a monochrome suit made me instantly smitten, even if some of the episodes still HAUNT ME TO THIS DAY.

Rick O’Connell (The Mummy & The Mummy Returns)

OK, now no judging allowed in this case if you haven’t seen one of both of these movies. Both The Mummy & The Mummy Returns rest in my top tier of cinematic favorites, because not only are they supremely entertaining, with a nearly perfect action/magic/romance/comedy ratio, they are also pretty superbly well-written and well-acted.

Rick O’Connell is someone who can rock twin gun holsters and save the world from centuries-old mummies (multiple times) while telling jokes that make me laugh. Man of my dreams? Pretty much.

Kale Brecht (Disturbia)

Did I tell you about the time I fell a little bit in love with a suspense/horror movie based solely on this character? It’s becoming mightily apparent that I’m a sucker for dark hair, great comedic timing, and intense eyebrow furrowing.

Will Shuester (Glee!)

Enter your favorite Music/Spanish teacher with a heart of gold. Glee is amazing for a lot of reasons (honestly, if you aren’t watching it, you’re missing out), but Mr. Shue is totally my favorite, and seeing him singing “Bust a Move” while dancing around the rehearsal room? One of my favorite t.v. moments EVER, which was then totally upstaged in the finale with an even better! scene, which I won’t ruin for those of you who haven’t seen all of the episodes yet.

Jacob Black (Twilight)

COUGAR ALERT! Jacob is a quasi last-minute addition to the list, though if I’m being honest I have been a fan of his ever since I read the books, and I think Taylor Lautner was perfectly cast as Jacob for the movies. I, along with Amanda and my favorite name twin (and two teenage girls in the bathroom at the movie theater), am also 100% Team Jacob after watching New Moon. You Team Edwarders can suck it. (Totally kidding. Also: GET IT?)

What I love about Jacob Black is that (he’s buff, and) emotionally honest; he wears his heart on his sleeve (or lack thereof), all while also being funny and able wolf it up if the occasion calls for it, which, let’s face it, is pretty awesome. He can also jump through bedroom windows in a mostly single bound, doubles as a portable space-heater, and manages to look fantastic while standing in a torrential downpour.

Dr. Robert Chase (House)

Brilliant surgeon and diagnostician? Check. Australian accent? Check. Snazzy dresser? Check. Secret romantic? Checkmate. Also, the only (non-peroxide) blond to make this list.

Jake Fischer (The Guardian)

I have a thing for swimmers. Enter Fischer, who is a cocky collegiate swim star enlisting in an elite branch of the U.S. Coast Guard. Have any of you even seen this movie? I actually sort of loved it. Then again, any movie featuring rad athletic montages (these ones were all swimming-related), the ocean, and Kevin Costner pretty much wins in my book.

Spike (Buffy)

Enter peroxide blond!

Most of you probably already know why I would never stake Spike. If you don’t (here’s a post for you! and) I dare you to watch Buffy and not become a) instantly addicted, and/or b) instantly addicted to Spike. (Unless you’re Sarah, in which case: touché.) He’s the undead English rogue with endless brooding wit everyone loves to hate, and who makes the series infinitely more interesting.

Bob Lee Swaggar (Shooter)

How hilarious is that name? I mean, really, I can’t stop laughing right now. But before you start mocking my choice, Mr. Swaggar (haa!) is intelligent, and buff, and can treat multiple bullet wounds he just sustained with items purchased from a convenience store. Which I’m thinking would probably come in handy during any potential end-of-the-world-type scenarios. Also: he can shoot you in the face from three miles away. In a blizzard. So on top of everything, he’s like a built-in home defense system.

Stefan Salvatore (The Vampire Diaries)

This is me, publicly admitting I totally watch The Vampire Diaries, and you know what? I LIKE IT. Judge if you must.

Jeff Winger (Community)

I think this one is pretty self-explanatory, but if you haven’t seen an episode yet (DO IT), Winger is pretty much a single version of the actual Joel McHale, only this time instead of hosting a hilarious show on E, he’s a still-hilarious ex-lawyer enrolled in community college now struggling to pass Spanish. Oh, and his Spanish teacher, Señor Chang? That would be this guy.

Xander Harris (Buffy)

I was a Xander fan from the very beginning of Buffy. He’s the loyal boy-next-door with a heart of gold. He’s also punny.

Virgil Earp (Tombstone)

Oh, Virg. The first and only cowboy to steal my heart. If I told you my high esteem for Virgil has a lot to do with the ridiculously amazing mustache he sports throughout the entire movie, would you even be surprised?

Special Honorary Mention: Simon Templar (The Saint)
I’m not normally an “Oooh, Val Kilmer!” sort of gal, but Simon Templar was the very first spy I ever had a crush on. Templar is really something like eight different characters in this movie, and each one is great. Aside: I have seen The Saint so many times it might be a little ridiculous, and if you ever hear me say “Mother Russia” in a certain punctuated (and no doubt terrible) Russian accent, rest assured I’m quoting this movie, every time.

Honorable mentions (because hi, I had to end this post THIS CENTURY):
Jaime Bennett (Love, Actually); Nick Powell (The Invisible); Ando Mashahashi (Heroes); Memphis Raines (Gone in Sixty Seconds); Robin Hood (From, you know, Robin Hood); Dimitri (Anastasia); Riley Finn (Buffy); Oz (Buffy); Captain Jack Sparrow (Pirates of the Caribbean); Ron Weasley (Harry Potter); Bill Harding (Twister); Eric Northman (from the Sookie Stackhouse novels, not the HBO True Blood series); Lt. John McClane (Pick a Die Hard, any Die Hard); Dr. Stanley Goodspeed (The Rock); Jack Bristow (Alias); Will Tippin (Alias); Noah Bennet (Heroes); The Men of Dollhouse (Topher Brink/Victor/Paul Ballard).

Feel like playing along? (Of course! you do) So tell me, who are your fictional favorites?

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*Don’t go chasing waterfalls. (Sorry. I couldn’t help myself.)
**I promise I’m not judging you if you like Zima. Well maybe I am, just a little.
***My favorite show on television right now. Followed closely by Glee and Community.