Not A Kid’s Movie Review: Pan’s Labyrinth
Originally aired: January 19, 2007.
Watched by Kerri Anne: August 1, 2010.
Courtesy of: Netflix Instant Watch.
Because: a) I was in the mood for a lighthearted, kid-centric story; b) Netflix told me I would four stars enjoy it and saw fit to leave out crucial somber-tone-revealing plot points in their synopsis; c) Netflix is a lying liar face; d) ALL OF THE ABOVE.
Starring: A slew of great Spanish actors you’ve probably never heard of, most notably Ivana Baquero and Maribel Verdú.
Protagonist’s name and non-spoilery story: Ofelia is the first and arguably main protagonist, and is a precocious young girl who loves fairy tales and suddenly finds herself in one. This fairy tale, however, is definitely more like a nightmare from beginning to end.
Sci-Fi additions: A labyrinth that we never really see but know is there; magical chalk; gluttonous frogs; woodland fairies masquerading as praying mantises.
Nightmare inducing scenes: Too many to list, but most notably the one featuring this gruesome fellow. (DO NOT CLICK THAT LINK IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO SEE A STUPIDLY SCARY MONSTER WITH MAN BOOBS AND EYES IN HIS HANDS. Believe me, I do not blame you if you don’t. I certainly could have lived my entire life without seeing that guy.)
Apropos of mandrake roots: The screaming baby mandrake root del Toro uses in the movie reminded me heavily of the way J.K. Rowling used it in the first Harry Potter (published in 1999) and subsequent stories, though thanks to Wikipedia I now know the mandrake scream is fairly common folklore.
Extended review for anyone who cares: I’m definitely not saying I hated it, but I pushed “play” expecting it to be a movie in the same cinematic vein as The Neverending Story and/or Labyrinth, and it was so different I was left staring agape at my screen, not sure if I should keep watching or abandon cinematic ship.
While I thought certain parts of the story were harrowingly beautiful, Pan’s Labyrinth is incredibly dark from start to finish, and possesses absolutely no comedic relief. I didn’t laugh once. I barely smiled once. In the Neverending Story you have (Falkor! and) the story-within-a-story to interrupt your melancholy when plot lines get too heavy (and scary wolves too stuffed-animal-looking). And in Labyrinth you have a) David Bowie and b) those crazy Jim Henson muppet-esque creatures who sing and joke and are generally hilarious.
Furthermore, the title in and of itself is misleading. The main story has NOTHING to do with a labyrinth. Or Pan, really. I mean, OK, fine, maybe the story has minuscule amounts to do with a labyrinth, but BARELY. Ofelia only goes into the labyrinth three times, and she’s not even in there for more than five minutes at a time. We don’t see any of the whimsy or the crazy characters (beyond Pan himself) no doubt existing in the labyrinth the way we do in the Bowie-clad version, and while there are certainly other interesting stories within the film, I didn’t feel the overall story (centering on a fascist Spanish regime led by a Bastard Captain who revels in his own bastardness) was all that imaginative. I’ve definitely seen it done better in various other movies, and (to me) the only thing that made this story any different than its fascist peers was that it was gorier. I’m no cinematic wimp, but honestly, I had to look away at multiple points because I don’t really want to see a face realistically smashed in, or a leg realistically cut off, or a woman for which I had no pity in the first place bleed to death.
Which brings me to a heavily distracting plot point. I found Ofelia’s mother to be completely deplorable in that she puts her only daughter in harm’s way when she marries an obviously evil man, and for what? Because she’s lonely. REALLY? Feeling thankful someone dies during a particularly horrifying childbirth because you don’t have to look at her weak face anymore is probably not the reaction del Toro was hoping to evoke.
Questions left unanswered:
1. A baby-eating monster with EYES IN HIS HANDS. Why did you have to do that to me del Toro, WHY?
2. How, exactly, is a young girl to know how much time she has left to complete a magical task when she leaves her magic hourglass in her bedroom while she walks through a magical door?
3. Was I supposed to be able to tell from this movie poster that Pan’s Labyrinth is not fanciful or cheerful in any way? Because if so, I verily failed that test.
Memorable Quotes: Does me yelling at Ofelia’s mother as if she (is a real person, and) can hear me calling her completely selfish count as a memorable quote? No?
OK, fine: “You could have obeyed me!” “But Captain, to obey, just like that, for obedience’s sake…without questioning…That’s something only people like you can do.”
The Verdict: Memorably creepy, but definitely not even close to my favorite fantasy movie, and nothing I will be watching again. Also, DO NOT watch this movie with your kids. Unless your kids are thirty. And even then, be prepared for them needing a glass of warm milk and a Will Ferrell movie to watch directly following this one.
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I’m excited to have more serious (and very non-serious) movies reviews coming soon to a site near you. Until then, have you heard of a movie starring Charlie Sheen as a reincarnated flying-motorcycle-riding avenger? No? You might be missing the best worst movie ever.