Because My Brain Is Otherwise Occupied

Disclaimer: I fully realize this post is silly/trivial/ridiculous, especially in light of recent world events. It’s supposed to be. If it makes you laugh, even once, then color me content. <–A shade I always imagine to rest somewhere on the color spectrum between green and cerulean.

We’ve all heard of The List, right? (Right!)

For those new to the game, The List is mostly comprised of celebrities and other famous faces you are allowed to covet outside of your Committed Relationship because (it’s all in good fun, and anyway) these people are the cheese to your macaroni, the peanut-butter to your jelly, or at least they might be, according to the plethora of information you’ve been able glean about them from this month’s People Magazine. Mostly though, you just think they’re crazy/sexy/cool.*

What I like even better than The List is what happens when you add the word “fictional” to it, the game thus now requesting you choose your top 5 (or 15) characters from various shows and movies that are the proverbial peas to your carrots.

Here’s my version of such list. And of course it’s longer than 5. I never was very good at following internet rules.

The list is in some semblance of an order, or maybe more of a scale of sorts, wherein Peter Petrelli (played by Milo Ventimiglia) = I would marry him (fictionally, or in real life), even if I didn’t know him well enough to know (anything about him, like maybe) how to pronounce his last name, or that he puts cilantro on everything and thinks Zima is the king of beers.**

Peter Petrelli (Heroes)

I honestly don’t even know where to start with Peter Petrelli without sounding like a mildly obsessed fictional stalker. (Which, do you see this post I’m writing right now?)

If you haven’t seen Heroes*** my allegiance to Peter Petrelli might be 100% lost on you, but if you’ve seen even a single episode with Peter in it then I have to imagine you knew what I was talking about before I even started this sentence.

Beyond being the single most attractive human being on the planet (to me, anyway), Peter is the epitome of a selfless hero. Perpetually battling his own inner darkness, he’s brooding and moody without being insufferable, and works as a paramedic in New York City to help people using his super-powers. He also has a voice I love to listen to and a charming lop-sided smile. (Mildly obsessed fictional stalker territory? Duly noted.)

Just one more picture then, before we move along:

Ren McCormack (Footloose)

Anyone who knows me (and my love of Kevin Bacon) probably saw Ren coming from a mile away. He snags the number two spot on my list for being a part of one of the best scenes in cinematic history, amen. He’s also the only man I’ve ever seen look even remotely cool while repeatedly rocking a pair of Mom Jeans.

Fox Mulder (The X-Files)

Special Agent Fox Mulder was the reason I gave myself myriad nightmares in junior high and high school after watching the The X-Files every Friday night at 9pm with my dad. Mulder’s obsession with the truth (it’s out there) and his ability to smile with his eyes (Tyra would be so proud) while rocking a monochrome suit made me instantly smitten, even if some of the episodes still HAUNT ME TO THIS DAY.

Rick O’Connell (The Mummy & The Mummy Returns)

OK, now no judging allowed in this case if you haven’t seen one of both of these movies. Both The Mummy & The Mummy Returns rest in my top tier of cinematic favorites, because not only are they supremely entertaining, with a nearly perfect action/magic/romance/comedy ratio, they are also pretty superbly well-written and well-acted.

Rick O’Connell is someone who can rock twin gun holsters and save the world from centuries-old mummies (multiple times) while telling jokes that make me laugh. Man of my dreams? Pretty much.

Kale Brecht (Disturbia)

Did I tell you about the time I fell a little bit in love with a suspense/horror movie based solely on this character? It’s becoming mightily apparent that I’m a sucker for dark hair, great comedic timing, and intense eyebrow furrowing.

Will Shuester (Glee!)

Enter your favorite Music/Spanish teacher with a heart of gold. Glee is amazing for a lot of reasons (honestly, if you aren’t watching it, you’re missing out), but Mr. Shue is totally my favorite, and seeing him singing “Bust a Move” while dancing around the rehearsal room? One of my favorite t.v. moments EVER, which was then totally upstaged in the finale with an even better! scene, which I won’t ruin for those of you who haven’t seen all of the episodes yet.

Jacob Black (Twilight)

COUGAR ALERT! Jacob is a quasi last-minute addition to the list, though if I’m being honest I have been a fan of his ever since I read the books, and I think Taylor Lautner was perfectly cast as Jacob for the movies. I, along with Amanda and my favorite name twin (and two teenage girls in the bathroom at the movie theater), am also 100% Team Jacob after watching New Moon. You Team Edwarders can suck it. (Totally kidding. Also: GET IT?)

What I love about Jacob Black is that (he’s buff, and) emotionally honest; he wears his heart on his sleeve (or lack thereof), all while also being funny and able wolf it up if the occasion calls for it, which, let’s face it, is pretty awesome. He can also jump through bedroom windows in a mostly single bound, doubles as a portable space-heater, and manages to look fantastic while standing in a torrential downpour.

Dr. Robert Chase (House)

Brilliant surgeon and diagnostician? Check. Australian accent? Check. Snazzy dresser? Check. Secret romantic? Checkmate. Also, the only (non-peroxide) blond to make this list.

Jake Fischer (The Guardian)

I have a thing for swimmers. Enter Fischer, who is a cocky collegiate swim star enlisting in an elite branch of the U.S. Coast Guard. Have any of you even seen this movie? I actually sort of loved it. Then again, any movie featuring rad athletic montages (these ones were all swimming-related), the ocean, and Kevin Costner pretty much wins in my book.

Spike (Buffy)

Enter peroxide blond!

Most of you probably already know why I would never stake Spike. If you don’t (here’s a post for you! and) I dare you to watch Buffy and not become a) instantly addicted, and/or b) instantly addicted to Spike. (Unless you’re Sarah, in which case: touché.) He’s the undead English rogue with endless brooding wit everyone loves to hate, and who makes the series infinitely more interesting.

Bob Lee Swaggar (Shooter)

How hilarious is that name? I mean, really, I can’t stop laughing right now. But before you start mocking my choice, Mr. Swaggar (haa!) is intelligent, and buff, and can treat multiple bullet wounds he just sustained with items purchased from a convenience store. Which I’m thinking would probably come in handy during any potential end-of-the-world-type scenarios. Also: he can shoot you in the face from three miles away. In a blizzard. So on top of everything, he’s like a built-in home defense system.

Stefan Salvatore (The Vampire Diaries)

This is me, publicly admitting I totally watch The Vampire Diaries, and you know what? I LIKE IT. Judge if you must.

Jeff Winger (Community)

I think this one is pretty self-explanatory, but if you haven’t seen an episode yet (DO IT), Winger is pretty much a single version of the actual Joel McHale, only this time instead of hosting a hilarious show on E, he’s a still-hilarious ex-lawyer enrolled in community college now struggling to pass Spanish. Oh, and his Spanish teacher, Señor Chang? That would be this guy.

Xander Harris (Buffy)

I was a Xander fan from the very beginning of Buffy. He’s the loyal boy-next-door with a heart of gold. He’s also punny.

Virgil Earp (Tombstone)

Oh, Virg. The first and only cowboy to steal my heart. If I told you my high esteem for Virgil has a lot to do with the ridiculously amazing mustache he sports throughout the entire movie, would you even be surprised?

Special Honorary Mention: Simon Templar (The Saint)
I’m not normally an “Oooh, Val Kilmer!” sort of gal, but Simon Templar was the very first spy I ever had a crush on. Templar is really something like eight different characters in this movie, and each one is great. Aside: I have seen The Saint so many times it might be a little ridiculous, and if you ever hear me say “Mother Russia” in a certain punctuated (and no doubt terrible) Russian accent, rest assured I’m quoting this movie, every time.

Honorable mentions (because hi, I had to end this post THIS CENTURY):
Jaime Bennett (Love, Actually); Nick Powell (The Invisible); Ando Mashahashi (Heroes); Memphis Raines (Gone in Sixty Seconds); Robin Hood (From, you know, Robin Hood); Dimitri (Anastasia); Riley Finn (Buffy); Oz (Buffy); Captain Jack Sparrow (Pirates of the Caribbean); Ron Weasley (Harry Potter); Bill Harding (Twister); Eric Northman (from the Sookie Stackhouse novels, not the HBO True Blood series); Lt. John McClane (Pick a Die Hard, any Die Hard); Dr. Stanley Goodspeed (The Rock); Jack Bristow (Alias); Will Tippin (Alias); Noah Bennet (Heroes); The Men of Dollhouse (Topher Brink/Victor/Paul Ballard).

Feel like playing along? (Of course! you do) So tell me, who are your fictional favorites?

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*Don’t go chasing waterfalls. (Sorry. I couldn’t help myself.)
**I promise I’m not judging you if you like Zima. Well maybe I am, just a little.
***My favorite show on television right now. Followed closely by Glee and Community.