I was running late, but otherwise, Thursday, July 15th was a fairly ordinary day. I darted out of bed at the last possible moment after snoozing my alarm multiple times, washed my hair in the sink, didn’t think twice about the clothes I threw on, made sure Iggy was fed, and left for work.
A full day of grant budgets, travel booking, river walking, and office maintaining raced by, and once again I found myself standing at the front door to my apartment building, soon thereafter making my customary stop in our mail room that doubles as a secondary foyer and front hall to two downstairs apartments.
I check my mailbox daily. Even when I’m not waiting for pertinent news, a life-changing piece of paper hidden amidst a clutter of bills and candidate fliers and coupon waste for stores I never intend on walking into.
On this particular Thursday I stood in front of my mailbox for an unusual amount of time, my heart racing after seeing what was waiting for me inside: a standard letter-sized something resting nonchalantly next to two pieces of mail I barely noticed.
The envelope was plain, simple. The only reason I didn’t assume it was another piece of inconsequential mailbox litter was because of the “Multnomah County Circuit Court” stamped in the far left corner.
I held my breath as I opened it right there, unable to carry it upstairs with me first, as if the weight of the news waiting inside the envelope had become too heavy to carry another step.
My name. His name. Domestic Relations Dissolution: NOTICE OF ENTRY OF JUDGMENT.
Such a fancy string of words for “divorce.”
A General Judgment was entered in the register of the court in the above-noted case on July 9, 2010.
I stood for a few moments staring at the end of a marriage so neatly expressed in a single sentence. Who types these? I wondered to myself, preparing for the elevator of emotion I was about to ride, preparing to revisit ups and downs in myself with which I’ve become quite familiar.
On June 24th it was a year. One year since the morning everything fell apart. Since emails were found, words exchanged, denials entertained.
My ex-husband isn’t a villain. I haven’t and won’t vilify him here. I made big mistakes. Huge ones. I didn’t trust myself. I didn’t trust him. To say we were doomed from the beginning is not to be melodramatic. It also isn’t an excuse. He made huge mistakes. Unforgivable ones for a marriage. Unforgivable ones for a wife. But the girl who considered him her best friend long before “I do” was ever said has forgiven him.
I am not angry. I don’t spend precious time despairing. I just can’t. I see hope in all of this. I see purpose. I see promise. I see a woman rising from the ashes of her own life. I don’t even recognize this woman, it’s been so long since I’ve seen her. But she is me. She is strong, and confident, and capable. She is excited about all that is to come.
Breathing normally once again, I smiled, realizing that as I was reading the first and final notice of my officially finalized divorce, I was also listening to “Here Comes The Sun” by The Beatles, the song itself wafting to my ears from underneath a doorway of one of the two aforementioned ground floor apartments.
Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces
Little darling, it seems like years since it’s been here
Here comes the sun
Here comes the sun and I say
It’s all right
Here Comes The Sun by lolagomez
Oh, I know how you feel. I’m so glad you feel like you are rising from the ashes; I look forward to the day when I can say the same.
This is so beautifully written, and so delicately handled. You’re just all grace :)
You are unbelievably strong. And fabulous. And, I’m glad that I get to call you my friend.
You’re a total class act through and through and I am proud to call you my friend. I love your outlook on life and everything in it.
No words, just hugs. You are lovely and strong.
Oof. This post made me tear up a little. How perfect is that song?!
Here’s to all the good things to come!
Oddly enough? I have been singing that song all weekend and then came here to read this post.
You are courageous and compassionate and it’s beautiful to watch you rise in your self-confidence. A true testament to that cliched but true sentiment- that which doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.
I’m sitting here with watery eyes because I love you so much that my heart feels like it’s about to explode.
You are an example to me in so many more ways that you know. You have come so far this past year and I cannot WAIT to see what happens next.
Love you.
Wow, it’s been over a year.
I have been wondering and thinking about you often since that day (or, when you told me what happened).
I am glad to see you so strong, so courageous and determined to learn from what life has put in front of you.
Big hugs.
You are so lovely. Thinking of you today. xoxo
You are more than alright…..:*)
I am glad that the sun is out. I am glad that you are back.
xox
I remember distinctly the day I got my letter in the mail. Although I was so anxious for it, and had checked the mail obsessively for weeks, it still took my breath away and the emotions caught me off guard.
Take care of yourself, and congratulate yourself every day for creating the life that you have for yourself.
I wouldn’t have thought it possible, but it seems you have become *even stronger* through all your trials and tribulations. Speaking from someone who was not so long ago right in your very shoes, I can promise, it’s all uphill from here! I can’t wait to see what’s next for our beloved Kerri Anne.
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Kerri Anne, Hanni Horn Wickline. Hanni Horn Wickline said: "She is strong, and confident, and capable." Amen RT @kerrianne Little Darling, It Seems Like Years Since It's Been Here: http://is.gd/dyhq1 [...]
You impress the hell out of me. For real.
Hugs my friend!
You are amazing!
As ever, you’re the epitome of class, grace, and perspective. It’s inspiring, and I know better things are coming your way. I can’t wait; you deserve nothing but the best. Much love, Kerr. xoxo
New chapter, new verse. All good things ahead.
I was overseas when I found out. It’s such an odd mix of emotions once it’s all over. Cheers to the road ahead!
What a transformation you’ve gone through, and are going through. And look at you, all grown up and owning your actions and feelings. It’s all right. :)
I’m so proud of you, Kerr. Watching you bloom into an even more amazing woman this past year has been an absolute pleasure. Thank you for inspiring me daily.
(Also: I can’t think of that song without remembering a friend of mine from middle school who secretly hoped she’d lose her virginity while it played in the background. Simultaneously disturbing and hilarious. But mostly just hilarious.)
I feel like I exhaled while reading this because with the closing of this chapter, so much can now begin.
:) This made me smile so much. :)
you are a rockstar.
I love, love, love that Providence had that song on for you at that moment! Awesome. You’re a strong woman and I’m proud of you for standing upright, smiling, and moving on. You go, girl!
It’s been amazing to watch you become…more you over the last year. I’m so glad to know you. And I’m so proud to be your friend! <3
You’re a real class act, lady.
you are a true inspiration. that’s all. <3
Thanks for sharing your serious thoughts. I must acknowledge that I assume you nailed it on this one.