I sat down to write about me, about how I’m doing, and the truth is, I can’t.
I can’t really tell you how I am, at least not in this space, and right now I don’t know what that means beyond the fact that I’m emotionally exhausted and feeling overwhelmingly quiet. I feel as if I’ve gone into a sort of emotional hibernation in preparation for a winter that promises to be both beautiful and heartbreaking. I have some silly posts I might eventually finish one of these days, posts that make me laugh, and will hopefully make you laugh, but posts that don’t talk about me, or how I’m doing, or what I’m feeling or not feeling, or what I wish I were or were not feeling.
A lot of you know how I am. You ask, and I answer as best I can and 99.9% of the time I sound functional and maybe even happy, and I really am both of those things.
I am functional. I get up every morning and make it to work on time, and do my job with as much passion and capability as I ever have. I like my job. I like the work I do daily. My apartment is clean. My bills are paid on time. I take out the trash when it’s time and I go to the grocery store as needed (which is way too often for my liking, but once a week is way too often for my liking). Iggy is fed and tended to spoiled, and he falls asleep cuddled up next to the small of my back every night.
I am happy. I have an amazing, supportive family and equally amazing, supportive friends, and I know I am blessed. I am rediscovering who I am, remembering the girl I used to be and the woman I want to be. Instead of running the other direction, I am taking the time to watch the many stages of grief as they roll toward me, letting them wash over me in their entirety like waves, trying to feel everything I am able to feel, to note and process every drop of hurt, so that I’m not repressing anything. The last thing I want to be is a ticking time bomb of emotional outburst, pushing everything wrong, everything bad, everything broken down down down, until I can’t see it or feel it anymore. I don’t want that. I don’t want to be emotionally detached, unavailable. I was never that person. I don’t want to be.
What has been most surprising, I think, is how many different emotions–and so many unexpected daily realities–are encompassed in divorce, not the least of which is my shame in saying the word “divorce” aloud. I have good days and great days, and horribly lonely, frustrating days. I have days where I find myself sobbing because someone said something kind to me, or because they didn’t say anything, or because I bought the wrong kind of yogurt at Trader Joe’s. I have days, too, when I laugh until I’m crying.
I don’t know how else to daily deal with this reality if not to feel what I feel when I feel it and strive every day to make some small step forward in some area of my life. I really am trying. I’m also trying to be patient with myself, though I find that to be the hardest aspect of all of this. I want to be 100% healed, 100% better/stronger/faster right this second, and, well, as much as it pains me to admit, I’m not magic. Losing, rebuilding, healing: it isn’t magic.
So, every day I’m letting the waves of self-doubt, anger, betrayal, hurt, shame, fear, loss–I’m letting it all wash over me as it will, and I’m taking the time to revel in the peaceful feeling as I watch each wave eventually ebb slowly back toward the horizon, away from me.
Your experience of getting through this divorce in your life is, of course, unique to you. But if anything is a common human experience, it is pain. And I’m pretty convinced that the way you’re approaching pain is the *only* way to come out whole and stronger on the other side.
You will. And I know you know that, but I also know that sometimes we need to know that others know it, too.
babe, i honestly have no idea how what you’re going through feels. i can only imagine… i am so sorry you have to go through this and i am SO angry at C for making you go through this. but because you are who you are, so full of love and compassion and so many more things, i will make it through and come out of it better than ever. i know you will!
for 2010 i’m wishing both of us that we can figure out a way to finally get together. over there or here in germany. fingers crossed!!! xoxoxo
you know i meant to say that YOU will make it through, not me. though i will make it through, too but that’s a whole different story ;)
you are so strong, kerr.every word that you wrote speaks of it. you’ll find someone new that totally deserves you… when the time comes.
I really admire you through all of this. Regardless of what you choose to share or not share with us, you have been a real class act throughout all of this.
I don’t know many women who could have gone through this with half as much maturity as you have.
Love you
You’re doing everything right even if it doesn’t feel like it. I think one of the hardest things to learn after a betrayal is to trust oneself again. But you’re doing that with your head held high. Riding the waves of emotion can be incredibly taxing but in the long run you will be better and stronger for not having run away from the feelings. I’m proud of you.
You are so insanely strong, and I couldn’t be prouder of how you’re handling this whole situation.
I, for one, believe that you ARE magic. At least you are to me.
I’m so proud of you for so many things, one of which is how you are working through this all.
Love you.
Although we’ve never met in person, I can tell that you are handling this situation with grace, class and humor. Count me among your fans who KNOW you will not only get through it, but come out the other side stronger. XOXO
You are really such an incredibly wonderful person. How wise are you that you want to deal with it all now and not push it away so it comes back to haunt you later in life. I’m afraid that would be my course. I’m so glad I know you, and you will continue to be in my prayers!
LOVES!
Your grace strength,and eloquence in the face of what youre going through is inspiring and amazing. I don’t know if I’ve said this to you before, but if not, please know that I’m incredibly happy and proud to have you as a friend. Hugs, Kerr. xoxo
Oh, Kerr, you know how much I love and adore you. I am so very proud of you every day for the strength you have shown over the past several months. I feel so blessed to be your friend and I am so incredibly inspired by you and what you have accomplished. Kisses to you, my Frans. xoxo
I think what you’ve just shared is one of the better things about blogging. When we share our REAL, human experiences good and bad. You’ve got a big heart, a strong heart and it’s obvious you’re going to be okay!
Thanks for sharing that Kerri.
I appreciate that you can articulate exactly what I am feeling and going through with more eloquence than I ever could. We both will get through this. And I know I will come out better on the other side, and I have no doubt you will as well. Thanks for sharing — it helps so much!
It is hard. And you’re doing an incredible job.
You are so strong, my friend <3 <3 <3
How classy, graceful and wonderful are you?
Very. Incredibly.
I am wowed by your grace and discretion.
And I am not surprised by your strength and fortitude and kindness, even when you’re feeling so deeply sad and frustrated. Just because it seems like the person you are.
And I applaud your ability to move forward, even if sometimes you come to a standstill with grief. It is exactly like the waves, cresting, then falling. And then the tide comes in. But, eventually, it goes out. And you will be better and stronger, but without losing YOU.
You are good, good people, Kerri.
I am so proud to call you my friend.
I don’t know if you know this, but I was divorced, too. It’s been nearly 4 years, but this post made me cry, because it’s so accurate and true, the waves and the feelings that are ever-changing. I am so glad you’re not holding it in—I know I spent awhile trying not to let it out, trying to act like it was all okay. Dealing with it was so much healthier. You are wise and lovely and so mature.
I’m here if you need to talk, girl—I get it. I really do.
Amazing post. xo
not sure i have anything more to add. other than, hang in there! you will come away from this experience stronger, more resilient, and better than ever.
I so appreciate it when people post the real thing. And a million hugs to you for doing the real work and having the pure smarts to know that ticking time bomb isn’t your style. It’s tough, but the only way out is through. You’re making it, babe.
From what I have read, it sounds like you are handling the situation with grace and dignity – you are keeping your own needs in mind, and you are meeting them. That’s more than anyone can ask of you. A very close friend of mine is going through a painful divorce right now, and when I speak to her, I’m amazed at the similarity between her situation and my mother (who lost my father two years ago) – even my mother has observed the unique difficulties that the divorcees in her grief group have. You can’t predict how you will react, you can only take care of yourself and let those who love you take care of you when you feel you can’t. You sound like an amazing woman and I’m just in awe of what you have shared and how eloquently you shared it.
So good to hear you talk about this stuff (see you write about it…) because everytime you don’t write about it I think, “God i was such a mess when my relationship ended. Why did I suck so bad? Kerri Anne doesn’t need to talk about it and write about it in detail. She’s just fine! I must have been so week then!”
Of course I know it’s not true, but still, it’s good to know you’re working through this in your own way. I still think about you a lot and wonder how you are. Pretty darn good, I’m glad to know. :)
I find you to be just truly, wholly and completely amazing. I hope in New York or SOMETIME, we can sit down with a beer or a coffee or SOMETHING and just talk. I think that’d mean the world to me.
Ditto what willikat said.
I can’t speak to this experience, so I don’t want to presume to make any commentary on that, but from a writing standpoint, this is a beautiful post. Eloquent and lovely. In spite of the difficult subject matter.
I agree with Angella, I think you ARE magic!
You are such an amazing person. And I’m so glad you wrote this and shared this with us. I can’t imagine what you’re going through, but you’re handling it with such grace and dignity. You should be very proud of yourself!
I’m so lucky to know you and call you my friend!
Now we just need to get out there and meet brother who are chefs so we can settle down and throw fabulous dinner parties!
Love ya!
I understand everything you’re going through, and I have to say you are handling things with a courage and grace that will sail you through these tough times faster than you think. I know you can’t fathom it now, but one day YOU WILL wake up and smile and YOU WILL feel blessed and YOU WILL feel–maybe for the first time in a long time–that this could be the best day of your life (since lord knows you’ve had more than your fair share of worst ones).
*Hugs*
And also, I don’t think anybody in the history of the world has ever been 100% OK with labeling themselves as “divorced”, even if happily so. Although divorce is a *very* common experience, as human beings we are going to have some feeling of failure when our hopes for a certain future are dashed. “Divorce” is something that happens in life, but it does not have to define us. On paperwork I like to mark my status as “single” because really, that’s what I am now.
time.
it is one of the *best* gifts you can give yourself.
when you let your mind & body sit.
just sit.
in the hurt. sad. anger. confusion. unknowingness.
let it run through you, on it’s course.
it gets easier.
and i’m never sure if it because all of those are more or less intense over the time or if we just learn to understand ourselves better and more, so we deal with them in a more resolute way.
either way, good for you. for doing it. and letting people in.
xo
You never cease to amaze me. You DO come across as healthy and happy. And you are so insightful to be aware not to push the bad feelings down. I can only hope that some day I may be as emotionally healthy as you.
You are an amazing woman. The way you have been handling yourself is beyond words, you are truly a classy lady and I am so happy to have met you this year. Now hightail it up to Seattle again so we can hang out!
Хм… Пока это у нас не сильно развито, так что придётся подождать.