5 By 5
“The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.”
-Robert Frost, from Stopping By Woods on a Snowy Evening
5 years have passed since the genesis of this site, since the fashioning of this space I carved out for myself at a good friend’s suggestion.
The year I started this site, I met Chris. I found him amidst a sea of swirling voices coming from all corners of the world. Instantly, I liked him. He was funny, witty, charming; he seemed to be himself and I liked that about him. He was also moody, deep and brooding, and seemingly struggling with past lives, ghosts he had long tried to forget, creeping back up on him from somewhere in the night.
I’ve already told you what happened next. We were friends first and foremost but there was always something extra, something essential we both needed from one another that seemingly only the other person could provide, a cavern inside each of our hearts that over time we felt convinced had been left vacant for the other person to occupy, re-decorate, and keep cozy warm.
If you would have told me that not even two years after taking our wedding vows barefoot in beach sand, both of us crying while we looked into each other’s eyes and promised so many promises, that I would be alone, writing, writing, furiously writing as my wrists begin to ache, my marriage so quickly disintegrating around me, I wouldn’t have believed you.
And yet, here I am, struggling to understand all that’s been lost, my own feelings splintered, mangled, almost unrecognizable as I stare at scalding syntax still lying on the floor.
To point fingers here and get highly specific right now won’t do anyone any good, and I won’t ever admit to anything being 100% “good” or 100% “bad.” I can tell you this past month has been horribly hard, heartbreaking and lonesome, shocking, and, in a way, a long time coming.
A few years ago I never would have imagined Chris and I could ever look at one another in any other way than with love, with respect, with goofy grins spreading across our faces. And yet, here I am, struggling to find myself again, to find my own worth amidst the rubble of our relationship, trying to unearth the parts of me that have been seemingly hibernating for years.
I never imagined my future being once again so unwritten, so wide open as to be completely drenched in fear and possibility. And yet, here I am, sitting quietly while visions of a past life swirl loudly around me, and while visions of a new future wait patiently for me to approach them.
I didn’t anticipate 27 being the year I take back my life. But it is. And, here I am.
I'm walking,
Through streets that are dead
Walking,
Walking with you in my head
My feet are so tired
My brain is so wired
And the clouds are weeping
Did I,
Hear someone tell a lie?
Did I,
Hear someone's distant cry?
I spoke like a child
You destroyed me with a smile
While I was sleeping
I'm sick of love
That I'm in the thick of it
This kind of love
I'm so sick of it
I see,
I see lovers in the meadow
I see,
I see silhouettes in the window
I watch them 'til they're gone
And they leave me hangin' on
To a shadow
I'm sick of love
I hear the clock tick
This kind of love
I'm lovesick
Sometimes
The silence can be like thunder
Sometimes
I wanna take to the road of plunder
Could you ever be true?
I think of you and I wonder
-Bob Dylan, from Lovesick
I’m closing comments on this post, only because I can’t answer any questions here right now (please email me, if you want to talk), and I really didn’t post this to solicit any sort of sympathy or support, though I have to say again how fortunate I feel to have the most incredibly supportive friends and family. You guys are (amazing, incredible, and) the only reason I’m still so steadily moving forward, and for that I will be forever grateful.