If not Arizona, then a land not too far away. Where all parents are strong and wise and capable and all children are happy and beloved. I don’t know. Maybe it was Utah.
Whenever I read posts about the varying experiences of motherhood, and the itch so many women get at various points in their lives to make, foster, and love babies of their own, I often find myself holding my breath. I don’t realize I’m barely breathing until a few moment pass by, and I sigh lightly and wonder why I’m so afraid of regretting a decision I feel I’ve already so solidly and intelligently made.
I could laundry list the reasons I don’t believe I will ever be a mom: because I don’t choose to be, don’t want to be, don’t think it’s necessary, for me.
I hear voices talking back to me whenever I start thinking about my imaginary very non-existent children. They are rational voices, calm voices, honest voices. They are loud voices.
But I have names chosen. So many names* that mean so much to me, that would be so perfect, so beautiful. That isn’t a good enough reason.
I know I would be a good mother. I actually really like kids. I’ve counseled at summer camps, taught Sunday School. Babysat every kid on my block. Still not good enough.
Is it so wrong to want to see attributes of myself and my husband reflected in a little someone who is ours? Maybe not. But what about the little someones throughout the world who need homes? Would you not be just as much a mother if you adopted one of them?
But I don’t think I want to adopt, either. Exactly.
I’m simultaneously enthralled and terrified of pregnancy. I can visualize the nine months, the baby showers, the parade of adorable onesies, my mom spoiling the booties off my baby. I can imagine the infancy, the sleepless nights, the formative pre-school years. But the part that terrifies me is that if I do this I’m not “Mom” for nine months, one year, five years. I’m “Mom” for life. Forever. I can’t even imagine how drastically different our lives would perpetually be. I can’t even imagine how selfless we would both have to become.
I think about not ever being ready, and some days I feel beyond content.
I think about not ever being ready, and some days I cringe at the thought of never having a “family”of my own. Of never having a daughter, or a son. Or both.
Just last night I had a dream that Chris and I had a baby, and I was horrified, scared to death–not ready, at all. I awoke unsettled, and with an immense feeling of relief washing over me as I continually remembered it was just a dream. Not real. Not happening.
Chris and I have had many conversations about having kids, and while there is still more to say, I fear I may never be ready (that we may never be ready), and I’m daily learning to be OK with that, if that’s the case.
I realize there is no golden rule, no right or wrong answer so often when the “kids or no kids?” question comes into play. Timing really is everything, and yet, so often it’s nothing at all, too. I suppose that’s because if everyone waited until they were 100% “ready” I can’t imagine the world would be as populated as it is. I realize there is no such thing as “100% ready, set, child!” but that being said, I guess what is so starkly lacking with Chris and I is the innate desire to have a child of our own, and, quite frankly, I just don’t anticipate that lack of desire changing anytime soon.
So for now I suppose it’s accurate to say I’m childless by choice. Until I change my mind. But I probably won’t.
*Seventeen names. I so wish I were exaggerating.
**Post title is a quote from Raising Arizona. You should watch it.
i totally quoted Raising Arizona yesterday. we are totally twins ;)
We are in the exact same boat. Love kids, have names picked out, but just aren’t ready to have them. And we’re comfortable (right now) knowing that we may never have them. At times, there’s a feeling of, “Will we ever regret this?” but mostly, I am glad to be child-free by choice. I know we’d be great parents, but we’re happy just being the two of us.
This is exactly where we’re at, too.
Seventeen? I’ve got you beat. I actually have a google doc of names I love, and the quantity is embarrassing. Especially for someone who isn’t entirely sure if/when she’ll even have kids. I just love names though. I’ll start naming my furniture if I have to.
Raising Arizona is an awesome flick.
I name my kids too even though I am not 100% sure it will happen for me…maybe that I will mother children who already have names and don’t look anything like me and that’s okay. It’s okay to change your mind, too. It’s your choice!
Great quote…
I’m terrified of pregnancy, of being a mother, of having a kid, of not having a kid… It’s such a huge decision in life! I’m pretty sure I will have them, but it’s still so massive.
I don’t think anyone is ever ready! If you did eventually choose to have kids, I would be willing to wager that the seriousness that you have given to the decision would make you a great parent. But I so, SO respect the weight you have placed on it. And if you decide against it? Good for you. Only you guys know what is right for your lives.
Although I am a parent, I don’t like how it’s just assumed that you SHOULD have kids, just because everyone else does.
I loved reading this, babe. So many people think that they *should* have kids, but that is nowhere close to being a good enough reason to.
I have wanted to be a Mom for as long as I can remember, so it was never an internal battle. The only wrestling we did on the topic was over the timing.
You just do what you think is right for YOU. xoxo
Great post. I find myself thinking some of the same thoughts regarding adding another child to our family.
(You are a rockstar, thus would be a rockstar parent.)
I echo Rebecca is saying that even thought I am a parent, I HATE it when people assume that you *should* have kids or even that everyone should *want* to have kids. Some of the most interesting people I know, chose to NOT have kids. They still have richer lives and families than many many MANY of their contemporaries.
All of this being said though, I wonder if it will change for you….perhaps, then again perhaps not. The universe is funny that way.
It did for me….and I can’t really explain why. It started with waking up one day with an intense desire to start a family via adoption (with NO desire to be pregnant AT ALL)…the adoption route fell through and I found myself DUMBFOUNDED to realize a year or so later that I actually *wanted* to be pregnant. WOWSERS! We were together for 7 years before this happened. The universe is funny that way.
Either way, I already think you and Chris are very interesting and complete people! You’re smart, you’ll figure out what path is right for you!
Wow, this entire post could have been written by me. You’ve voiced so many of my own concerns that it’s eerie. It’s nice to read that we’re not alone, though.
Last night, I had a sex dream about Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. So I WIN.
Wait. That wasn’t helpful or thoughtful commentary at all. Oh well.
I STILL WIN.
I know you and I have talked about this before, so I’m happy to read your full account here because I’ll admit that I was curious. Like everyone else said, I’m glad you’re thinking about it and, even though I think you would have adorable and lovely children, it’s wonderful that you are becoming okay with being childless by choice. It’s not for everybody and it’s good to recognize that.
Thank you for talking about this.
I totally hear you. I am have some of the same thoughts that you have and I am not sure if/when we’ll have kids.
You know, the funny thing is: I see so many parents nowadways and I think “Woah, maybe they should have thought twice about making babies”… and then there is you, who I think would be a GREAT mother, not sure if you ever want to be one.
It’s totally ok to be unsure. You’ll make the decision at some point.
Ok, that grammatical error up there… could you please ignore it. Even though English is not my first language, I usually don’t make those kinds of mistakes anymore ;)
Feeling the way you do, I dare say that kids could be really hard on your relationship. They bond you. They do. But they pull you apart in ways you never dreamed possible, too.
You’re a smart woman to think so hard about it.
Oh, we’re so similar in this. Except that I am convinced that I won’t choose to have children. But I have names picked up. I hear voices of my unborn children and I often give them advice on things I have learned in life. I would find it fascinating if I had a little me and little hubby combination to show off. And I know I’d make a great mom. Exceptionally good. I’m not afraid or pregnancy as such. There’s only one but: I don’t want to sign my life away to someone else. ANYONE else. I haven’t even started living myself, there’s no way I’ll start putting things on hold for a child and live only when the child doesn’t need me. But even that doesn’t scare me that much. What scares me the most that what if I am like most mothers I know. What if when my kid turns 15 and starts having opinions of her or his own, what if then I don’t like her or him anymore. You know, I can clearly see how parents love their kids, but they just don’t like them after they demonstrate qualities they don’t approve. (You can’t fool like!) What if my offspring would grow up to be for everything I am against. Would judge people by their clothes, their education or work, for example. What if my business takes off and they become snobbish because they have money and want a sweet 16 birthday from hell? When I think of my potential children, I can’t just look at the early years, I always look further down the road and think of them as adults. That’s what they’re going to be for the most of their life if everything is going well. And if they turn out like me, I’ll be supporting them financially ’till they’re nearly 30. Ach! But I think you’re right. The key element here is “desire”. If I really wanted children, none of this would matter one bit.
Oh, and I’d had the same nightmare too, and the same relief when I realized it was just a dream and we’re still free!
I keep waiting for some overwhelming need to have kids to come over me and it keeps not happening. I do worry that I’ll regret it one day, but as of now, kids are at best a very weak maybe for me. Not that I have the means to make any at the moment even if I wanted to (read: single) but it’s still something I think about. (Also, my very hypothetical daughter would be named Anna Kate.)
THIS is EXACTLY how I feel. Exactly.
It’s like jumping off a cliff and you have no clue what’s going to be in the water below. Other parents can give advice until they’re blue in the face, but YOU will never know what it’s truly like until you experience it for yourself. There’s the good, the bad, the ugly, the absolutely indescribably amazing… You will never know what you’re missing, in both good and bad ways, until you actually do it. And you hit the nail on the head… if everyone waited until they were 100% ready no one would have kids. We weren’t 100% ready, and sometimes I wonder what we’d be doing if we didn’t have kids, but there’s no way I would have it any other way, despite the bad days. It’s the people that don’t analyze it the way you do that end up with 15 children and no way of taking care of them. It’s the people like you and Chris that go over the what-if’s again and again that would be the most amazing parents.
I felt exactly this way before having a baby, and I still believe you’re right when you say there’s no right or wrong answer. We would have been a perfectly happy couple with a lovely life had we decided against having a child. We love being parents now that he’s here. It was never going to be perfectly clear, we just had to jump one way or the other. My only regret is that I went through so much angst believing that I might make the wrong decision. (Of course, like Whoorl, I’m going through the same thing right now wondering about #2. Apparently I’ll never learn.)
I love this post, Kerr. I hate the assumption that if you’re married the next thing you should do is have kids. I also hate that people think it’s their business to question. I had an IM conversation the other day with an especially nosy friend who was asking about whether there were wedding bells in my future and how many kids we wanted to have. And, when I told her 1 – she argued with me and tried to convince me that 1 was not enough.
Especially frustrating and rude given my “uterine-situation” that may not even allow me to have one child. If only next time I’ll have the courage to say, “I don’t really see how this is any of your business”
Frans, your imaginary kids can play with my imaginary kids any day. I say we also refuse to grow up, thereby remaining kids ourselves. And we’ll be awesome – if slightly neurotic – aunts to our sisters’ kids, because we both know they’ll have some amazing babies someday. It will be way better than pregnancy. xoxo
Hello – I saw your post title on a BlogHer ad and I *had* to come say hello.
I have been acutely feeling much of what you’re talking about right now. My cohort is tumbling rapidly towards the mid-30s and I am in a rapidly dwindling minority of childless ladies. Everyone is pregnant or parenting or trying except me and one or two friends.
It really challenges me to think about it, particularly when, like another commenter said above, I am not willing to compromise my goals and my life and set all that aside. I’m just now trying to change my career for heaven’s sake.
And of course there is all this pressure – time pressure, because the doctor tells you all the risks in later pregnancies. The pressure of “will I regret this later” if you choose not to. The weird peer pressure that happens when women say things like “It will change your life, you can’t understand until you’ve done it.” and the implication that this experience is something you must have.
Like you, I am a) not ready and b) not even that interested. But I cannot deny that watching virtually all of my friends go through it one after another makes me feel heavy with some kind of expectation.
Blythe:
You have to understand, by simply stating “it will change your life, you can’t understand until you’ve done it” does not mean that it is an “experience you must have.” It is merely a fact. You CANNOT know how it will be for you personally unless you do it. And having kids DOES change your life. It changes each person differently. It’s like trying to describe being married to someone who’s single. The person you choose to marry changes the circumstance, the way you relate to each other changes it further. And you will never know what it’s like until you’ve done it. It’s a fact.
It sounds like if you feel that there is an implication when someone says that, it’s your own self coming to that conclusion. Because, as a mother, I would never tell someone or imply that the life I chose is something everyone should do because it isn’t. If there are mothers out there that think everyone should have children, they are probably the one’s that shouldn’t.
My apologies, that earlier post was supposed to be addressed to “Kim” not “Blythe.” It’s early.
I think that if you pair “You don’t understand until you have kids” with “I have to have them or else I will feel worthless” (many women I have interacted with clearly feel this way or may explicitly state it) it ends up, through tone and body language and a million other little hints people drop, coming across as a judgment on the quality of childless life. And so I get somewhat reactive to that vibe.
I do understand that there are feelings I won’t experience unless I have kids. I also understand it will change my life. Sorry if I didn’t make that clear.
Great post! I hate that people pressure people into telling them to have kids. I think the most important thing is making an informed decision either way. Why should you FEEL like you should have kids? Because society says?
It is your decision and people should respect it. I have friends that don’t have kids and they are in their mid-40s. My friend LOVED/LOVES her lifestyle and wanted to be able to travel at the drop of a hat. And she knew if she couldn’t do that due to being a parent, it wouldn’t be good for her, her marriage OR the kids.
I am one that wants kids badly. I pretty much have decided that if I’m still single as I inch closer to 40, I’ll have one on my own. Which most people probably think is just as crazy as married couples who don’t want kids.
Those people can all go suck it! :)
Thank you. Thank you. THANK YOU. A kindred spirit! We are the exact same way–plan to stay childless by choice. Even though I, like you, love kids and think the world of my nieces and nephews, I just don’t think having my own is for me. I’ve always led too nomadic a lifestyle and am not about to sacrifice this career I’ve worked so hard to build for something I don’t necessarily want. At the same time, I’m so sick of people trying to convince me otherwise: “But what a great way for a child to be raised, on the road!” I want to scream at them: But I don’t want that child, so stop trying to pressure me into it! Why is having children supposed to be our life’s goal by society’s standards? Just. Don’t. Get. It.
I’m kid-free too! Anyway, I’m glad you’re thinking for yourself – if you decide someday that kids are right for you, you’ll know it truly, because you took the time to ponder all the implications. Now… if only my brother-in-law would think everything through… I’m worried about his motivations for having kids, and I seriously worry that my sister-in-law will end up a single parent. *sigh*
[...] “Can we have babies?” I say, despite more than half the time not being sure I want them. But that is a whole other blog, but in short, expressed very well here. [...]