Awhile back Heather Anne asked me to guest post for The Collective. For my guest post I wrote a list (lists! oh how I love thee!) of my 5 Worst X, where X = Ways To Die, Cinematically.
It only seemed fitting, then, to compile a 5 Best! list to compliment my 5 Worst list for The Collective, and that is what I have to offer you today, dear readers:
Kerri Anne’s 5 Best Ways To Die, Cinematically Speaking Of Course.
5. In a freak gasoline fight with your two best friends.
This tragic movie moment made the number one spot on my 5 Worst Ways To Die list, but when it did I simultaneously asserted that this could also arguably be the best way to die cinematically, which only serves to further illustrate the beauty and the duality, the cinematic complexity that is Zoolander.
4. Dying while avenging the Natalie Portman you never had.
In the last few minutes of The Professional, super stoic hitman Leon is dying after being shot by bad cop Gary Oldman. As he’s dying, he hands a note to Oldman reading: “This is from Matilda,” with a grenade pin inside of it that then sets off an entire entourage of grenades he has strapped to his chest. It’s actually mildly romantic. Or, well, as mildly romantic as grenades strapped to your chest can be.
3. Dying without really dying at all. Multiple times.
Attempt 1: A fiery crash after driving off the edge of a cliff with a small town’s rodent mascot behind the wheel.
Attempt 2: A 4-piece toaster electrocution while taking a bath.
Attempt 3: Stepping in front of a large delivery truck in blue silk pajamas.
Attempt 4: A swan-dive from a tall building.
By now most of you probably noticed I’m referencing Groundhog Day, and the hilarious and quite difficult to kill Bill Murray.
2. Dying while dropping a bombshell on your family from the grave.
My all-time favorite movie (Eulogy) doesn’t ever fully explain how Rip Torn’s character dies, but dead he is at the start of the movie, and lest I spoil it for you if you haven’t seen it, and may I be so bold as to assume you probably haven’t, I’ll just say that I whole-heartedly believe everyone should rent and watch this movie at least once before they die. If for no other reason than to see an ensemble cast of characters at their best. Also, it’s hilarious. And honest. (Hilariously honest is my favorite genre of movie.)
1. Sacrificing yourself during a series finale to save (the world and!) the vampire slayer you love.
OK, you got me: Buffy The Vampire Slayer wasn’t a movie. At least, not this particular version. Both the series and the cinematic rendition starring Kristy Swanson were written by Joss Whedon, though, so I’m using that, and my undying devotion to the WB series, to justify me using it as my number one scene in this post. Countless episodes of Buffy were more cinematic than the best of all movies, anyway.
This final fight of the series stands alone in Sheer Awesomeness (and next to many of the series most remembered and beloved episodes), and if you liked Spike even a fraction as much as I did then you probably already know how amazingly heroic his death to save the world and Buffy one last time truly was. I might have cried. You know, hypothetically speaking, of course.
It’s hard for me to express how much I love Buffy, The Series, and how much I came to adore each and every character for their own quirks and well delivered and supremely timed lines. Rest assured if you ever ask me a question about the series I will ramble for at least a day or two, and you will have to request my silence for me to stop gushing and pontificating, and most likely gesturing while I do both.
It really is THAT good, and really you shouldn’t take my word for it, though I’d be thrilled if you did. What you should do is rent it, or buy it, or both, and thank me later.
Fair warning: it’s highly addictive, like chocolate or meth, but, as it were, much better for your thighs and your teeth.
*Title of this post is from Buffy, of course.
Since I have not seen it and it is basically your favorite movie ever, I have just added Eulogy to my Netflix queue. :D
(Also, it might be my imagination, but I believe you have vaguely referenced Levar Burton there near the end of your post, and that is all sorts of awesome.)
I love you forever for citing Leon the Professional.
Also, I’m going to start emailing you every time my husband and I log another chunk of Buffy watching. We’ve never seen it all, and are working our way through. So far we’re a little over halfway through season three. The episode where Spike was all lovelorn over Drusilla made my freaking week.
Have you seen Firefly? HAVE YOU??
Ha, funny you should mention Kristy Swanson…I met her at a redneck air show her boyfriend was skydiving in last summer (before we were blog friends, methinks). She was totally Botoxed and blinged out and kept referring to herself as a “celebrity” (instead of actor, artist, etc.), when NO ONE knew who she was!
You are not alone. I cried for — not exaggerating here — an hour and a half at the end of Buffy. So good.
I personally prefer the Natalie Portman one. There was something incredibly sexy about “the professional.”
I am a huge hypocrite. For years, I was all, “You losers watch Buffy?” To my friends. Then I started watching the show a month (ONE month, keep that in mind) ago, and now I’m at the middle of season six and OH MY GOD.
I’m going to need to go into rehab by time I finish the show just to cope with the withdrawal.
Plus, that show makes me all blubbery. I replayed the last ten minutes of the season five finale like, eight times. Each time I found something new to begin sobbing over. Buffy is so wonderful. Dawn’s eyes are so sad. Spike is crying. Willow is crying. SPIKE AND WILLOW ARE SIMULTANEOUSLY CRYING AND MAKE IT STOP BECAUSE THIS IS MY KRYPTONITE. Aw hell, I am tearing up thinking about it.
I love this! Groundhog Day is one of my faves. I’m also going to add (even though it’s pretty gross) having your neck ripped out by a quadriplegic a la the bad guy in The Bone Collector. Denzel can throw down even when his nervous system is completely comprimised O Hell Yeah!
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Dude, I totally forgot about that scene. That would totally have made the list. What a Busted Tee that would make: “Don’t mess with me. Or I’ll rip your neck out. Love, Denzel.”
a girl who loves both Eulogy and Groundhog Day.
wanna make out?
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YOU LOVE EULOGY? Ali, I seriously WILL make out with you right this minute. It’s hard for me to find someone who has SEEN Eulogy, let alone someone who loves it. My heart, it is full and happy.
Nice list–
I’m unfamiliar with the Rip Torn film,
and I have to confess to not watching Buffy,
but any list that somehow can include
both Groundhog Day and The Professional
is one I’m inclined to trust.
Maybe I’m lezzing out here,
but I always thought Thlema and Louise
chose a nice way to go.
You’re unfamiliar with Thlema?
She is the ancient goddess
of women who can attract
hot, intelligent younger men.
Great movie. You should see it.