Yesterday, there was a bit of baby showering happening on The Interwebs.
More specifically, some of my favorite of all friends were showering a favorite friend of theirs, and someone who I happen to also think is quite awesome, though I have yet to meet her in person. But I HAVE sent her chocolates shaped like barnyard animals, which, if you know me, you know that barnyard-animal-shaped chocolate is mostly equivalent to me saying I would take a bullet for you. A very tasty chocolate bullet.
So, while I was late to the RSVPing bandwagon, meaning that I missed out on having my visage photoshopped into the Best Post Of All Time, I decided I could always be that jerk friend who shows up to the shower drunk and a day late, which is really not that far off for me, as I once showed up to a graduation party for a good friend (Hi! Lex) an entire weekend late. In all fairness though, I wasn’t drunk. At least, not when I arrived.
Anyway, here is the genesis for this post and the commandments herein:
1. I commented on Rhi’s baby shower tribute to Shana, and said this:
Worst baby shower game ever? Word scrambles that include words like “c-section” “vagina” and “sleepless nights.” (I have really played this game before. And more than once! What is wrong with people?)
Best baby shower game ever: hide the baby shower.
This online showering, though? Quite awesome.
2. Rhi wrote back with this:
Word scrambles should NEVER, EVER include the word “vagina”. That is a new rule I just made.
3. I wrote back with: And I hereby set that rule in stone to be added immediately to the Ten Baby Shower Commandments, amen, while simultaneously having a post epiphany! wherein I decided to show up a day late and a bottle drunk to the online showering festivities. Probably I also forgot to brush my hair and change out of my fishnets. But, I digress.
So, as my online baby shower gift to Shana, I bring you (and her):
The Ten (Baby Shower) Commandments, as dictated to me on the Mount of Onesies by the ghost of Charlton Heston:
1 Thou shalt have no other Baby Showers before me.
2 Thou shalt not make unto thee a graven image of any kind, unless it comes atop a tasty cake, like this, for example; then we’re all good.
3 Thou shalt not use the Vagina’s name in vain, or in word scrambles, or ever, during The Baby Shower.
4 Remember the Karaoke and keep it wholly abundant.
5 Honor thy hostess and thy hostesses guests with heartfelt thank yous. Unless they subject you to inappropriate and embarrassing baby shower games, in which case: thou shalt mutiny.
6 Thou shalt not kill your mother-in-law in front of so many witnesses.
7 Thou shalt not commit to allowing anyone to measure your mid-section with toilet paper, unless you get to measure theirs, too.
8 Thou shalt not steal vodka from your friend’s unmanned beverage cups.
9 Thou shalt not bear false witness against the horrible baby names people have suggested to you over the past 9 months.
10 Thou shalt not covet thy baby shower guests’ high heeled shoes, for you are glowing and get to eat cake guiltlessly, and therefore you WIN.
I posted a picture of him for a silly Instagram-related game and found him waiting for me in my dreams, something which occurs so rarely it still explodes solidly-constructed dams inside me each time I see his face, mustached and smiling at mine just the way he always did, just the way I always remember him. As usual he didn’t say much, not anything I could hear or remember, but he was there and I knew it, and when I → Read more...
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Stories I said I had. Tangential stories and life-changing ones.
Until today I haven’t known where, exactly, to begin. And so quiet this space has mostly been because some beginnings are tricky. Sometimes it’s quite impossible to denote where something ended and something else entirely began.
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