“I’ve always liked the time before dawn because there’s no one around to remind me who I’m supposed to be, so it’s easier to remember who I am.” -from a Brian Andreas print my babycarrot sister gifted me last year.
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I’m thinking tonight.
I’m wondering: why do we settle? For less of everything that was once promised. We settle for less free time, less challenge, less spirituality, fewer meaningful relationships. We choose superficiality. We choose self-doubt. We choose the world and we starve on a daily basis. Hungering for fulfillment, for a way to spend our time, we look to the material lot of things. Possessions, acquaintances, money, “success.” All of which only taint us, tempt us, tease us. Leave us even more famished, our hearts even more empty, even more lost.
We can’t find anything to conquer. Flags everywhere. And so, we are left to look inside, to look to ourselves. And suddenly, we are looking for something else, anything else, to do. My living space is never cleaner than when I am postponing some much needed introspection.
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Sometimes I think I was conditioned to doubt from the beginning of me. Maybe we all were, to a certain extent. I hate doubting. I hate feeling weak in thought and mind, dislike wondering if there is life after this one and spending time wondering if the answer to that question even matters.
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I refuse to remain stagnant, to walk through life unchanged by experiences both wonderfully intriguing and painfully horrific. I’ve had my share of each. I’m glad. I’m proud of where I’ve come, proud of the mud through which I’ve trudged, and still I am unfinished. I’m proud of that, too.
When I met Chris I was broken. I don’t mean whimsically, metaphorically, although I’m sure that could surely apply. Truly, emotionally, I was broken. I had been brazen with my affections in the past. I had thrown my heart violently at people who had looked at me lovingly, had promised to keep it safe, and then dropped it, kicked it, rolled it around in a particularly unflattering shade of shit. And yet I kept coming back, like a beaten mutt still seeking attention from a man with a boot whose point I had recently felt, and still remembered. I take full responsibility for the ridiculousness I allowed to routinely occur. I take full responsibility for moving on, too.
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He tells her she’s fat and she’s actually listening. The next time she cooks herself dinner she throws half of it in the garbage. The rest she resolves to sweat away from her bones. An hour and a half on the treadmill, pictures of emaciated women and centerfolds urging her faster, faster still. Too fat. Too thin. Too round. Not round enough. Too verbose, too opinionated. Too quiet. Too self-reliant. Too dependent. Too honest. Too timid. Too available. Too busy. Too open. Too loving. Too attached.
Never just “she.” Never just “fine.”
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GREAT ODIN’S RAVEN, IT IS SO HOT. WHY IS IT SO HOT?
Oh, right. “Climate change.” Touché.
This week I have been:
Writing, editing, and organizing grant proposals, and preparing gargantuan-sized grant budgets feverishly, to meet deadlines both old and new.
Snuggling with my pug and enjoying any downtime I have been able to muster.
Writing! I’m so excited about three different stories I have in the works, and thanks to a recent prompt by Danny, I’ve been sitting down daily to translate my excitement into actual words on a page. (Not unlike snakes on a plane. Only → Read more...
This post inspired by my friend and partner in movie quote crime, Home Sweet Sarah.
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Some of the most memorable places I have stood, in no particular order:
On The Great Wall of China. Next to my sister as she took her wedding vows. In front of the Kremlin in Moscow. Next to my favorite Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. Priest Lake. Specifically, my family’s Priest Lake dock spot. On Mt. Seorak, South Korea. Poolside for countless summers with friends, and cousins, and awesome(ly ridiculous) bikinis. At the base → Read more...
Full disclosure: I initially considered titling this post !!!!!!!!! but Wordpress started laughing at me, and threatened to throw spam.
At this point to say I cannot contain my already typically excessive exclaiming is to understate. HOW am I going to refrain from blurting out, “Hawaii! I’m going there!” from now until I leave at the beginning of September? Better yet, Maui! + getting to see my sister in TWO WEEKS = how am I going to sleep tonight? And the → Read more...
Originally aired: January 19, 2007. Watched by Kerri Anne: August 1, 2010. Courtesy of: Netflix Instant Watch. Because: a) I was in the mood for a lighthearted, kid-centric story; b) Netflix told me I would four stars enjoy it and saw fit to leave out crucial somber-tone-revealing plot points in their synopsis; c) Netflix is a lying liar face; d) ALL OF THE ABOVE.
Starring: A slew of great Spanish actors you’ve probably never heard of, most notably Ivana Baquero and Maribel Verdú. Protagonist’s → Read more...