Classified Ads, WeekendUpdate Edition

310/GENERAL
It’s been a long week, but by “long” I mostly been “progressive and enlightening.” I feel better, and while I know it will take me some time to fully finish licking my wounds, I know I am exceedingly blessed, and exceedingly capable. And that’s a good feeling. One that’s been alluding me for far too long. THANK YOU to everyone who emailed, called, told me corny jokes, and showed up on my doorstep with a bucket of chocolate for me to dump on myself. Hmmm. I very well might have hallucinated that last part.

I am in the process of emailing each and every one of you that left one of the afore-mentioned (and greatly appreciated) comments and/or emails re: the sad, poopy-colored, mostly depressing post I so recently wrote, and I appreciate you not hating me for how LONG it takes me to write back sometimes. I caught a nasty anti-prompt-correspondence bug earlier this year, and am looking into killing it with drugs. Or peroxide. Or both.

In other news, my cousin Lianna took some vows this past Saturday, and with her lovely petal-toss-exodus, I promptly bid a fond farewell to The Wedding Season That Swallowed The Summer. As far as that which remains capable of swallowing a summer goes, The Wedding Season is not the worst of all hungry giants, and in lieu of sand-storms, locusts of excessive hummer infestations, I feel quite fortunate. The Wedding Season That Swallowed The Summer at least makes for better pictuers. And better stories. Stories filled with less than ideal songs for dancing, but more than ideal families dancing to them anyway.

312/SKILLED TRADES
I may not be good with a pair of nunchucks, and my computer-hacking and bow-hunting skills definitely need some polishing, but boy do I know how to take a one-armed (man, no, wait, that’s not it; I mean) camera shot. Observe:

SO much skill, right? I knew you would agree.

314/HOSPITALITY/SERVICEINDUSTRY
I work in one! Yes! And am a bit tired of customers as of today. Especially customers who don’t know the difference between a Merlot and a Syrah, but pretend they do. I can see right through you, Mr. Fake Wine Connoisseur.

320/POSITIONS WANTED
Peace-keeper. Hair-braider. House-cleaner. Waffle-maker.

327/HEALTHCARE/MEDICAL
Headaches. I get them frequently. I can’t figure out why. I’ve been to the doctor for them myriad times, and always Dr. NoDiagnosis looks at me and cocks his head to the side ever so slightly, and asks me how long I’ve been having them. Um. That’s my chart right there, right? “Every since I can remember,” I say. Again. He looks perplexed for a moment, and then: “I’m not sure why you are getting them, but we can prescribe some shots. “Check, please.” I watch myself physically start to squirm, to eye the door longingly. “They aren’t really that bad,” I hear myself lie.

So, yeah, other than the banshee prancing about the insides of my skull, I am healthy as a…soybean? Wolverine? Lean, Mean, Hydrating Machine?

On a semi-related (ok, who am I kidding?) note, everyone better be not eating spinach, ok? If I hear news that one of you catches e-coli, I am not going to bring you a bucket of chocolate to throw on yourself. Even if you beg me to.

Yeah. I know. I’m lying again. You just can’t trust me today. Especially when it comes to completely fabricated buckets of chocolate.

330/OFFICE/ADMINISTRATION
This is the section toward which I seem most clearly to gravitate during weekly perusals with the classifieds. Most of the ads are vague and nonsensical, which is just how I like it, and thus I compile an equally vague and nonsensical portfolio and resume, and then they call me for an interview and I realize that playing second fiddle to Mr. CrazyBossHog isn’t exactly an ideal situation, and make up something about having a better, higher-paying offer, all the while understanding that if they offer me a high enough hourly wage, I would probably work for Paris Hilton. But only if she kissed and made-up with Nicole. Life is just too short, you know?

332/ACCOUNTING/FINANCIAL
A job centered solely on tips during the (slowest time of the restaurant season, i.e. ) summer is probably the worst idea in the history of bad ideas. Yep, that pretty much covers it.

334/PROFESSIONAL
Someday I know I will be able to relevantly apply for such a position, to boast such a title. Until then, I’m holding out for Professional Nonsense-Maker to become a viable, highly paid, position. What’s that? Jessica Simpson is currently occupying that particular planetary realm? Oh. Right. Well, I’ll think of a more creative profession. Right after I finish reading this US Weekly.

335/COMPUTER/HIGH TECH
Word on the street is that kerrianne dot org is soon to be receiving a day at the spa, complete with deep tissue massage and a facial. The word on the street could be lying (see: buckets of chocolate), but I do have grandiose ideas for changing the layout, the about page, the color scheme. Or, if all else fails, or one word on the street loses her nerve, the font. What can I say? I like to live dangerously.

338/SALES
I think you should buy this t-shirt. And this bumper sticker. And, while you’re at it, maybe this button, too.

God Bless America. And whomever invents this hilarity, and then sees fit to print it on collectible memorabilia.

345/EDUCATION/TRAINING
I, the sole proprietor and writer of this website (i.e. me, kerri. hi! ), am hereby missing school so badly that I have decided that I am going back. To school, that is. Graduate school, to be precisely specific. I am not happy when my nose is not perpetually stuck in the uncanny, interesting, albeit sometimes frightening and often confusing minds of LiteraryGiants by likes of Faulkner, Wilde, Shelly and Emerson. In short, I miss the English Nerdery. And so, rather than sit around and let the past four and a half years of undergraduate toil seep listlissly into the deep recesses of my ever-shrinking brain, I have decided to take a plethora of tests, and write an absurd amount of “personal statements,” and beg three professors to say that they liked having me in class, and that sometimes, I even paid attention.

I’m really excited. About all of it. And I’m feeling pretty (geeky, sure, and also) psyched! to study for my GRE’s (both a general and a Lit. subject test are required), and promptly pass them with flying colors.

If you know any good English Lit. Grad programs, I’m all ears, and then some.

351/ADULT CARE NEEDED
One Mrs. Amanda B. is celebrating being a wee bit older today. I think I’m pretty funny by placing this particular news under the “adult care needed” section of today’s classifieds, potentially referring that perhaps sooner than later she will need some in-home assistance, or perhaps some “Oops! I Crapped My Pants!” of her very own.

Dear A,

If you ever need to wear Depends, I will buy you some with polka-dots. Because I know how you always appreciate some flair.

Also, you are wonderful. And beautiful. And oh so wise.

Also, happy! birthday you old(er) bag. (wink, wink.)

Love you always and forever, amen,
kerr

Also, I AM TOTALLY KIDDING about the Depends, because honestly, does THIS! look like a lady who needs to wear adult diapers?

Yeah, I didn’t think so.

Have a good night and a pleasant tomorrow, everyone. Or else. Buckets of chocolate.

THE END!

Where Am I Going, Where Have I Been?

This week I have been:

Writing, editing, and organizing grant proposals, and preparing gargantuan-sized grant budgets feverishly, to meet deadlines both old and new.

Snuggling with my pug and enjoying any downtime I have been able to muster.

Writing! I’m so excited about three different stories I have in the works, and thanks to a recent prompt by Danny, I’ve been sitting down daily to translate my excitement into actual words on a page. (Not unlike snakes on a plane. Only → Read more...

Stand In The Place Where You Live

This post inspired by my friend and partner in movie quote crime, Home Sweet Sarah.

—————

Some of the most memorable places I have stood, in no particular order:

On The Great Wall of China. Next to my sister as she took her wedding vows. In front of the Kremlin in Moscow. Next to my favorite Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. Priest Lake. Specifically, my family’s Priest Lake dock spot. On Mt. Seorak, South Korea. Poolside for countless summers with friends, and cousins, and awesome(ly ridiculous) bikinis. At the base → Read more...

“I once saw him beat a guy up with a starfish.” “That’s ridiculous.”

Full disclosure: I initially considered titling this post !!!!!!!!! but Wordpress started laughing at me, and threatened to throw spam.

At this point to say I cannot contain my already typically excessive exclaiming is to understate. HOW am I going to refrain from blurting out, “Hawaii! I’m going there!” from now until I leave at the beginning of September? Better yet, Maui! + getting to see my sister in TWO WEEKS = how am I going to sleep tonight? And the → Read more...

Not A Kid’s Movie Review: Pan’s Labyrinth

Originally aired: January 19, 2007. Watched by Kerri Anne: August 1, 2010. Courtesy of: Netflix Instant Watch. Because: a) I was in the mood for a lighthearted, kid-centric story; b) Netflix told me I would four stars enjoy it and saw fit to leave out crucial somber-tone-revealing plot points in their synopsis; c) Netflix is a lying liar face; d) ALL OF THE ABOVE.

Starring: A slew of great Spanish actors you’ve probably never heard of, most notably Ivana Baquero and Maribel Verdú. Protagonist’s → Read more...